It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
