Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
