I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
