Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
