I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
