I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
