I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
