Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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