so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
