He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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