So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
