Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
