and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
