a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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