Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
