I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
