You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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