When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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