I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
