I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
