I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
