take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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