i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
