she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
