five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
