i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
