This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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