he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
