if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
