when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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