I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
