Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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