I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
