The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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