honey bunches of taint.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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