Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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