I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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