You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
