I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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