obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
