We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
