I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Let's get the cat blown out
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
