Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
