...so i touched it.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
