someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
