you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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