Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
