I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
