This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
