I want to make a zoo with you.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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