guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
