Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
