He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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