Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
