Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
