Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize