nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
